(NEVER LET A KID READ THIS!!! it's the sickest thing I ever laid on paper!)
Suicide? Social, political, financial, artistic... can't think of more, so don't be a critic. I wish my end, I wanna go. God! Seal the deal; I'm not waiting for the next meal. Window seems tempting... but I fear heights! Knives? They freak me out, can't stand the sight. Drowning...no, I still want air. Then pills? Too expensive, I don't even dare.
All you good people help me out, NOW! Please kill me...I'm gonna have a cow!
I'm sick, can't anyone see? I wanna go, finito, dead... Leave not! Please, bear with me. God's a fool, he let me live, in this enormity, when I'm just a chif! Just a straight fool, have no intention, Yet he gave me riches beyond all discretion.
My childhood was great, I was a happy child, mother and father, both loved me like wild.
Later in school, I was a prince, not once did I see detention, not even a glimpse...
In high school, I was famous and hansom, girls would swarm, oh, they'd pay a ransom.
College was a handful, but I made it through, I just played football, isn't something new.
My child you're yawning, do I bore you? The time you lost here I now somehow owe you? But they sent you, to listen, they pay you to listen! To a mad man's babble as his eyes still glisten.
You come to listen, and then decide, whether it's worth living or if I should die.
Surprised child? Why is that? Just because I'm mad, I don't get a fact?
The fact is I killed. Oh yes i did... but not by myself, with that monster, in my head.
You see dear child, I'm an old man, the monster however, has still, more than one plan.
I just wanna go, I wanna be dead, or that monster, you see, he'll want to be fed.
He ate those neighbors too, you see.
The wife was a delish, I couldn't stop him, I only wish...
What I wish dear, but I told you, I want to die, hit the ground, not mortify.
No more darling, you pretty little thing... cheeks so red and that sweet little grin.
How young you are dear, too young to talk, talk to a mad man, too young...and no luck.
Where are you going dear, you still have to write, you still have to listen, promise... I won't bite!
You wanna know why? You didn't write that... You wanna know why?
I killed to have more! I stole, I lived, and then I stole out of bore. She found out, the wife, you see! She told me like you did: Mad man you be!
The rest, you know, its history, now I crave to steal some more, but only to kill me. No, I'm wrong, I'm wrong my dear, kill what? Yes, the monster in me!
So as you leave and I go to my cell, I think, it'll all be well. I'll feed my pet monster, just as it asks, all the bitter bon-bons I hid in a rack.
It's hidden, you see, it's hidden well, only I know and the monster from hell. I still see you leave through the iron bars, my dear you were rude, not even as you left did you salute.
No matter! My monster, your hunger is big, and goodies I now bid... So we'll eat 'till the end, rejoice with this feast, so eat as we die, my monster, Bonn Appetite!
History always bored me to death, yet I find myself in the same god-forsaken class, teaching antiques. I got the main message of this subject after the first year of study: don’t make the mistakes of the past! The rest was history…well you get me.
Sitting in the last row, I practice the easiest way of falling asleep with my face in my palm and playing with a pencil. Meanwhile I enjoy my favorite bedtime story…whatever the teacher has to babble today. Soon I find myself in the position of barely keeping my eyes open. Some faint words still make it through to me, something about killing, lots of casualties; I imagine a war, houses reduced to ruins. Well there were quite a lot of wars… so when was this one? In the end I give up asking and start sleeping.
Still, as much as I would have liked to just sleep, I can’t… a colleague pats me on the back. ‘What?’ I ask frustrated. ‘Some water…’ a quivered voice calls out. I lift up my head and open my eyes, in front of me, a rag muffin, all black and blue in the face, reaching for the bottle in my hand. I still look at him amazed and cannot react. He slowly takes the bottle from my hand and gives out a painful smile trough his wounds. I start to look around me; I see people around me, lying on the floor, some moving about in the little space there is, others sit and talk, some children cry for food or their parents. The worst was when I saw the corner, in which some people were lying with their faces covered. What happened…where am I?
I look at my hands; they’re full of bruises, somewhat shaky. I ask the man what day it is. He said he wasn’t sure…but it was surely November 1939. This wasn’t right. I couldn’t really get a grip of what was going on, but it couldn’t be much… I can already see the professor trying to wake me, he’ll most surely kick me out and I’ll go and have a coffee in town.
The man asks me for my name. ‘Alex’ I tell him. A young girl then slightly punches me in the shoulder and says: ‘But that’s not a Jewish name…so they brought you along because of your looks...?’ It was all surreal but… I’ll wake up in an instant, this is not real…
‘I don’t really now…’ I finally broke trough the silence.
‘Well, they took my family to a different camp, my little brother…he is probably dead by now…’ As she said all this, a tear forced itself to the light, and cleaned a little of the dust on her face.
‘What’s your name?’ I asked…
‘Eva’ she replayed quickly.
‘It’s a beautiful name…’ I tried to somehow change the subject. She looked back at me with a different, angry, almost vengeful look in her eyes:
‘They might ask you for your name, but never think they care about any of us, they can kill you, they can kill all of us, and they just might’ there was a sudden silence in the wagon. Everyone had their eyes fixed on the conversation. The old man got up and went to Eva, he convinced her to calm down, she would scare the children even more than they were. A few hours of silence followed. I just sat there and tried to figure out this whole predicament.
After some time the man broke the silence: ‘You know, you really shouldn’t be angry with her she didn’t mean to shout. It’s that… she was famous; she used to write songs and poems. She was famous with them too, the… Nazis I mean, yet now they do what they do to her and her family too. She doesn't deserve this treatment; no one here deserves what's happening...’
It was pretty much clear what all this was from the very beginning, I just didn’t want to swallow it all. ‘Where are we? Or…where are we going?’
The man gave me a bit of a smirk. ‘On the train…The rest, when you know, be sure to tell me too. They told us nothing when they took us away. You were lucky though, you slept trough the first two days. You must have really got a bump on your head, you still have the mark…’ he pointed it out.
All this time I was pinching myself, maybe I would wake up…but no chance, nothing happened. The place was cramped, you had no chance to stretch, no where to go. There was no such luxury as a bathroom or anything even vaguely close to it, no food, and hardly any water.
I couldn’t help but staring at Eva; for a while she fell asleep. She had long coal black hair, but beautiful blue eyes; she was lean, tall, pretty faced and smart. One couldn’t ask anything close from a star in my days…or dreams…or whatever it would end up being.
After a while she woke, a few kids asked her to sing something, I also insisted along with the little ones; so that after a bit of fuss she agreed. The next few hours felt somewhat more bearable, even happy, especially for the children. It was no time until they started to fall asleep, though, and so did the rest of the people around. I could see nothing through the few cracks in the wagon. I would guess its night. It was painful watching them fall to a dream, a world they wished for but couldn’t have. It was so because they truly deserved it, and because I couldn’t. I was a bit jealous.
I sat there with my head tilted to the wooden boards that made up the wagon walls. I kept gazing and wondering about the most divers of things, tried to also fall asleep but no luck; so as I sat there day- dreaming, I hear a definite ‘Pssst!’ It was Eva. She was sitting, knees to her chest, all coiled up, trying to keep warm.
I somehow managed to lift my body and step through the many people lying on the floor. I felt like a broken machine, every nook and cranny of my body cracked and twisted in the most painful way. I finally sit next to her. She coils up next to me and puts her head on my shoulder. ‘You couldn’t sleep either?’ she asks.’ You were just staring at…something.’
‘I was thinking’ I responded
‘Oh, please share those thoughts, I might be sitting next to a famous philosopher and not even know it.’
‘Well, your guess is as good as mine, I still have no idea of how I got here, or what I did before all this’
‘It must be dreadful… was that what you were thinking of so intensely? Well, all I can tell you is that, they put you on the train in Lublin, like most of the people here, but you were pretty much unconscious then too.’
‘Tell me…what do I look like?’
‘Well, narcissistic are we? Wait, you have a little smudge on your face…’
‘I see you like to make fun.’
‘No, no, your face is pretty much clean, except for that one smudge; you also have dark hair, black eyes, a nose in the middle of your face…it’s not too big, but not too small either…’ she carried on describing me, in a low voice of course, not to wake the others, and with her soft hands she examined every inch of my face. I couldn’t help but enjoying her funny, lightly sarcastic style.
As our discussions went on, I had the chance, to see who she really is and she was, surely, anything but a person deserving this kind of faith, nor did all the other people around here- the old man was right... The night passed with a few laughs and also with a few somewhat more serious talks. I was sure of one thing, that the Nazis would either kill them, us, the moment we arrive at a camp, or work and starve everyone to death.
Eva fell asleep somewhere before morning. She still lied on my shoulder. I kissed her forehead and let her sleep on. I watched the sun go up through the wooden planks. I still didn’t manage to put lid on lid, even after a whole night. I even started to miss the dreaded history class…
Still lost in thoughts, it was only later I noticed the train was slowing down.
I quickly woke Eva, but before she could even open her eyes properly, a man in uniform slammed the door open. ‘Everyone out!’ he shouted in a high, ordering German. Everyone woke to the dreadful reality. Some, fortuned, voices would say, lied there still with an ice cold color in their faces.
The rest, who were still alive, stood scared in front of the wagon. Two soldiers were talking: ‘We need to pick up another badge, the women and children we don’t need, dispose of them in the forest...’ Hearing his words, I held Eva even closer, wrapped in my arms. One of the soldiers pulled her away… ‘No!’ I shouted. The next thing I knew was that something hard hit me on the head. I felt I was loosing balance, and I heard Eva screaming… I felt the blood flowing on my forehead and face. I still saw the ground, heard a few more words of the people around, but couldn’t make any out. All I saw were flashes and then, darkness.
A hand was shaking my shoulder. I felt the bottle of water I my hands. I lifted the bottle, thinking it was the old man again.
‘No thanks! I have my own.’ He responded furiously. I could also hear people laughing. I opened my eyes. There was an old man alright, but the one teaching history this time…
‘I’m sorry sir, I thought you ran out.’ I said. I didn’t really mean it as an insult, if he only knew.
‘Last time I asked you what it would take to keep you awake in my class, you said a movie…YOU SNORED THROUGH ALL OF THIS TOO!!!! Where did I go wrong…?’
‘Well, sir, I did say a good movie, you managed that… but you forgot the popcorn!’ everyone was laughing…I couldn’t help it, sorry teach!
‘That does it! OUT! NOW!’ he was furious; me… I was happy.
‘Wait a sec!’ someone called. I turn to see... ‘Eva’ I shake my head as if I said something I didn’t mean to.
‘You’ll need this’ she said handing me a handkerchief. ‘You have a little smudge on your face’
‘Thanks’ I still didn’t know if that was possible or if I was still dreaming. Just to make sure: ‘What’s your name again…?’
‘Well, I don’t recall mentioning it, but you already know it…’ I couldn’t help but laughing slightly.
‘I thought I said, OUT!’ the grouchy voice called out again.
‘See you later then’ she spoke in a low voice.
‘Surely…’ I replayed.
After all this nonsense, I really needed a drink; I'll settle for a coffee. There was also desperate need for some good company, so I took my history book along...
(This one is somewhat hotter... read only if you want to :P)
The day ends slowly as the red sky turns to black. Her breath fogs up the dirty glass of the window. The room is hot and the walls seem claustrophobic all of a sudden. With a quick pace she goes from the window to the desk. She gazes at the monitor and sees no messages,there's still far too much time until they meet, and her face’s reflection reads less and less patience.
She takes out all her clothes from the closet, looks through them, and angrily decides to put them all back. She stud in the middle of the room, hands in her hips, and eyes in the ground, she stumped her right foot and with the same haste and quick pace she heads to the basement. Just a bit out of breath she finds herself in front of two tall metallic doors. She slams them open in seconds, lights go on, their brightness was reflected in the mirror filled walls.
The music starts to play… A Spanish guitar stands out and fills the air with a dazzling soft sound. She looks up in the mirror to see her own wild green eyes, she then heads to the middle of the room. With every step her clothes fall to the ground, until no more than a pare of tight, red boxers and a baby-blue transparent T-shirt cover her perfect white skin. Her long light-brown hair flows down her shoulders ‘till the middle of her back. Elegant, ballerina- like moves contour every part of her lean, tall, almost royal features.
As the music’s rhythm changes, so do hers. Moving slowly her hands on her body, stroking her side up and down, her feet take chosen steps, contouring every muscle; she is more than conscious of the skin showing and of every touch and take. As the music gets slower and erotic, so does she; moving starts to become instinct, rather than control. Her eyes close. One hand goes down from her breasts towards her stomach and the other on her waste; her white face turns from snow-white to a picturesc blush. A few drops of sweat go down her neck while her silky, long hair caresses her shoulder and back.
The atmosphere was more and more dense. From this music filled, heat emitting scenery, a hand reaches out and lightly strokes her half naked back. As she opens her eyes again, she only sees a silhouette behind her. The lights are so dim now that a few twinkles of shine make the difference between this and the pitch black room to witch she slammed the doors open to. The mysterious shadow comes closer and closer until she recognizes the face in the mirror.
Still behind her, he takes her waste and slowly feels her damp and overheated body, whispering: ‘Don’t dare stop…’
His body moves along hers; his hands in hers, feeling each others fingers, each others presence. Tightly wrapped in his arms, moving to the slow rhythms of the music, she could feel every part of him. His hot breath on her neck distracted her enough to let him peal off her shirt. She stud in front of the mirror, seeing her perfect skin covered now by nothing but the dark hands of the man behind her. His embraces get even tighter as he starts to touch her ice cold looking, yet sinfully hot breasts. She leans her head back and breaths harder and harder as if he’d take away air.
Swept away by her lovers lead, the two find themselves lying on the wooden floor. Just like his silhouette in the mirror, he is still domineering. Her slim and elegant arms in his tight grip, he avalanches kisses as he places himself on top of her. He kisses her breasts, her neck, and lips; she starts to breath heavily, pleasureful, like it were the last gasp she'd take. He slips into her. Their movements coordinate perfectly as the music still accompanies in the background. Their arms are still wrapped around each other, her eyes close again as she gives out a slow moan and bites her lips.
Somewhere, slightly, she hears the phone ringing. As she opens her eyes again, she finds herself in the room, near the window, facing the mirror on the wall. It was already night. Her long hair was down; her wide green eyes were looking at the seemingly confused and blushed person that was her reflection. She was still biting her lips. She smiled and went to the desk - the phone was still ringing. She answered.
‘Hi baby, I’ll pick you up in a few; is that OK?’ a deep voice asked…
‘Sure! I’ll be waiting’ she answered, with a slight smile on her lips.
She went to the mirror once more. She was still red in the face- it suited her well- she gave an even more sensual smile, turned around, looked carefully if everything was in order and left.
One thing she forgot though… she turned back flipped the switch to turn off the lights and slammed the door behind her. In an elegant fashion, she then waltzed down the hallway, with the same smile on her face…
Soon a new day will start. The alarm is about to go off in a few minutes. Not even today do I understand their purpose, I always manage to wake up a few moments earlier just to stop it before it rings. Today however, I don’t feel like lifting my arm to accomplish this feat. Yesterday, I felt I should do something a bit out of my daily routine, so I went jogging in the park… big mistake!
I am so tired I hardly remember what day it is… actually I don’t. My decision is final, while slowly turning on my other side; I banish any such insignificant thoughts.
In the background somewhere I hear a sound; probably my cat, a lot less sleepy.
But, ah… how sweet it is to just lie in bed and enjoy a few extra moments of twilight. It’s perhaps not this sweet all night, maybe since now I am conscious of it all, or is it just laziness?
Colored circles, triangles and stars, I couldn’t adore geometry more – in my dreams. I still hear some funny noises around, very vague, but they persist. Damn cat! Sleeps all day, did it have to take a brake just now? Outside it starts to thunder, and then follows the rain. Now this weather will surely keep me sleeping all day long, not that it were different in any other kind of weather.
BAMMM!!! Out of nowhere…a terrible noise. Who am I kidding? It’s my adorably annoying neighbor, starting of the engine of his old relic. I guess he’s off to work. Oh, and there goes his arch enemy, my other favorite frustrated neighbor, screaming and shouting like every god-given morning that she’d buy him a new car if he’d demolish this one… sweet immunity. All this time I had the chance of getting more than used to all these small ‘gestures’ so that I don’t even move an eyelid when they occur.
At home, they were all a usual thing, although it’s anything but normal, one would say, to bear with loud-mouthed neighbors and romantic music in the middle of the night, followed buy even louder screams… oh, but you can imagine of what kind.
So the car finally takes off, slowly proceeding on the rained on streets in a remarkably familiar rhythm…maybe cha-cha? Soon nothing can be heard in the street except for the even stronger falling rain. My little cat still can’t find it’s place, so it seems… but it all seems so quiet, so peaceful, and in just a few second the alarm will go off; one sound, so usual, but still so damn mind-scratching! But in today’s plan I will give this neuron killer no chance what so ever. Today I am in no disposition, nor do I have the strength to lift but one figure. My best case scenario for today is to end it as it began… with me in bed, sleeping.
Although it’s not in my ‘nature’, today I will allow myself to miss classes too. The university is far too far today, and not even the subway makes a difference. Today, whatever it may be, I will not react. But wait, today is Saturday. Courses weren’t in the plan. So then what was? Sleeeeeeeep? No, no, no! something’s not really in it’s place, I just can’t put my finger on it. I seem to forget something…it’s not of little importance, and I don’t know what. I never kept an agenda of my appointments and schedule; I was always too incompetent for that, and this is the reward.
I somehow manage to remove my sleep-wrinkled face from the pillow and I look around the small apartment room. I see my desk, and my night stand full of pictures of my friends back in Romania and friends from here. Among them I spot a picture, hidden but for me in the center of attention. A sweet kid-like face, big dreamy but mature eyes, dark hair; it all brings a smile to my face. On the wall, over the desk, two diplomas are hanging and an empty frame awaits the one that will soon come. I did feel a bit claustrophobic in this room, but somehow also welcome; in a short time, without even realizing it, I made it a home.
As I sit on the side of the bed, my little cat looks up to me. Next thing I know, she is bundled up next to me purring. A particular song comes to my mind, one played by Clayderman. With the effect of a lullaby, the song takes me back to sleep.
The door squeaks… my eyes race open. This is not right! I feel my heart pounding in my throat… I sprang out of bed; my heavy feet seemed they had wings all of a sudden. I run to see what caused the noise; it was the bathroom door. This officially ruined it…I was wide awake. It was too good to be true. I go back and threw myself on the bed in anger. As I am about to close my eyes, I smell something… a smell so fresh and sweet. I turn my head, and there it was. In all it’s beauty… I blush easier than ever. An iris flower, with a small birthday card: “happy birthday!”
I just couldn’t believe it! He did it! He always promised me a different kind of surprise. He told me I was mostly unaware of the things going on….he was right! I will never try to disprove him again. The door to the building closes with a bang. I jump to the window. A large umbrella…it was still raining. I grab my phone and call. He hangs up. Then the man with the umbrella turns…”five minutes” he shows me, holding up his hand,still dreamy, mature and kid-like. I couldn’t help but smiling.
For this kind of events I never needed an agenda…I always had friends. The next five minutes were a blur. I just knew I was next to him walking along under the umbrella. I also felt a bit of a conspiracy with nature…the rain soon stopped and the golden rays of the sun made it up for every single drop of rain…
